{Day 13}
This weeks I heart faces theme is “Vroom Vroom.”
With 9-11 on our minds I thought that we could dedicate a moment in time to the Firemen and rescue personnel that helped in the 9-11 tragedy.
September 11, 2001
That was about as “In depth” as I got into the tragedy of 9-11. I was eleven. Ironically. I remember the biggest thing was that we were all watching tv that day. And the fact that we went shopping. Im not really sure if I understood the depth of it all, At the time I wrote the simple details of the day like I did everyday when I was that age. “Today dad woke mom up by saying Washington DC and New York buildings had gotten bombed we went shopping and then went to the shop”
And in my mind – that was as far as it went.
I finished the page off with a Halloween sticker and went back to the regular scheduled program the following day.
A few days later I would record that president Bush declared war on the radio – and would never mention it again.
To me thats all it was. The TV was showing planes flying into buildings that were somehow in our country, the news papers would be filled with talk and pictures, and it would be on the news every chance we watched tv. The pictures in the news paper, I think were the most real to me.
The pages upon pages upon pages devoted to them.
The one that stuck out in my mind, as an eleven year old was a fireman. His head rested in his hands. Tired. With the buildings smoldering smoke. The ones where people were walking, dazed like, holding blood soaked cloths to their heads. The things you see in war movies – but never here – in the good old USA.
I cant honestly say, that now, nine years later, I fully grasp everything that happened. That I understand the depth of 9-11. I cant honestly say that my life, has been directly effected by war. But it would be un-American of me to say that today I dont remember the tragic happenings of 9-11.
I remember.
Even if I didnt fully understand.
{Day 11}
{Day 10}
I want to be better. A better person, a better sister, a better “Photographer.” (If you could go that far). I want to be better at what I do, what I love doing. But I find myself stopping, or not stopping, or going ahead, wandering down these roads that I have no business being on. I find myself getting angry, and saying things without thinking. I push the Bible aside, and pick up that novel – for just a few more minutes. I sigh when waken up in the morning, I yell because someone made me mad, I say no to things I love, and yes to things I hate.
Why?
If I want to be such a good person, why is it so hard?
I don’t strive to be a better person, because I have to. I know that “Goodness” will never be “Good enough” for God. But still, I strive to be good, or atleast better…and every time, I fall flat on my face. And wonder if its worth getting up again. Its so much easier to continue down the well beaten path, the one that seems fun now, the well known, well worn, foot path of destruction. I don’t want to fail, and so I take the other route, the one that I know well, I say no to new things to fast, and too often.
I want to learn my camera better – but I find too often, that I switch it back to the automatic, because atleast then I will have the picture to remember. To remember what? That I was too scared to branch out and take a picture in a different setting. Too lazy to engage my mind. Too something.
It’s the same in life. I often find myself flipping back to the well know, so atleast I will have that memory. What memory? The memory that I yelled? The memory that I said no? The memory of me sitting on the side WISHING to be doing it, but too scared to say yes, because of failure?
Why when put in a situation, do I choose the easy?
I want to change that, but how?
How do I change everything I know. Its easy to say, with words…that I want to change. But putting that change in effect, proves to be more difficult. Too difficult.
If I wont ever been “Good enough” then why strive to be “Better”
I want to continually strive, continually push, continually fall…I want to continually be pushed to get up. As a reminder that Im not perfect. That I wont ever be good enough. That Im NOT good enough. I want to be better, and while I don’t think hope I dont, have the danger of this, I don’t want to become too good for my own good, and forget that I am not, really that great.
{Day 9}
Ive been thinking about taking a break, from blogging lately…and if it werent for the blog-a-thon that I signed up to do, I probably would. But Id really like to finish that. I just cant seem to keep focused on any one thing lately, and as a result Im not able to do the best job in it. I was looking back through some pictures I had taken earlier this year, and I liked them so much better than anything Ive taken recently.
Ive been looking for “Signs” this week, signs for everything. From everyone. For something, but to be honest, I just havent found any…and so I resorted to the regular signs.
And took a few of those instead. I feel bad even posting these, because these arent the best they could be, but I just havent been able to focus, and be motivated to do the things I want…and seeing pictures like these…well…it kind of makes me want to give up on it all together.
But failure and I dont get along, so here we are.
Signs for this week include…
The dog infront of caution cones and a property for sale sign:
A street sign:
Our mail box, with a sign that belonged to the shop before us. Love this old box, its big enough to get decent sized packages.
A welcome winter sign, that has been up for the past…few years:
And finally, my favorite, a sign we have hung in the shop – we dont just accept cash, but people seem to constantly think that we should “Trust” them to pay their bills:
Now if I could just find the “Signs” Im actually looking for.
{Sigh}
Tangled Thoughts 