Tangled Thoughts

{Day 10}

I want to be better. A better person, a better sister, a better “Photographer.” (If you could go that far). I want to be better at what I do, what I love doing. But I find myself stopping, or not stopping, or going ahead, wandering down these roads that I have no business being on. I find myself getting angry, and saying things without thinking. I push the Bible aside, and pick up that novel – for just a few more minutes. I sigh when waken up in the morning, I yell because someone made me mad, I say no to things I love, and yes to things I hate.

Why?

If I want to be such a good person, why is it so hard?

I don’t strive to be a better person, because I have to. I know that “Goodness” will never be “Good enough” for God. But still, I strive to be good, or atleast better…and every time, I fall flat on my face. And wonder if its worth getting up again. Its so much easier to continue down the well beaten path, the one that seems fun now, the well known, well worn, foot path of destruction. I don’t want to fail, and so I take the other route, the one that I know well, I say no to new things to fast, and too often.

I want to learn my camera better – but I find too often, that I switch it back to the automatic, because atleast then I will have the picture to remember. To remember what? That I was too scared to branch out and take a picture in a different setting. Too lazy to engage my mind. Too something.

It’s the same in life. I often find myself flipping back to the well know, so atleast I will have that memory. What memory? The memory that I yelled? The memory that I said no? The memory of me sitting on the side WISHING to be doing it, but too scared to say yes, because of failure?

Why when put in a situation, do I choose the easy?

I want to change that, but how?

How do I change everything I know. Its easy to say, with words…that I want to change. But putting that change in effect, proves to be more difficult. Too difficult.

If I wont ever been “Good enough” then why strive to be “Better”

I want to continually strive, continually push, continually fall…I want to continually be pushed to get up. As a reminder that Im not perfect. That I wont ever be good enough. That Im NOT good enough. I want to be better, and while I don’t think hope I dont, have the danger of this, I don’t want to become too good for my own good, and forget that I am not, really that great.