Tangled Thoughts

In eight days, I will load up my three suitcases and dog and board a plane. We will spend the night in a hotel and continue our journey the next day.

I still don’t have all the details worked out. Details like, how on EARTH do I plan to finagle three suitcases, a kennel and a dog who is terrified of her own shadow through the airport -not once, but twice? I keep saying she has no idea what she is getting into -she will go to sleep one night, expecting the next day to be the same as it has been every day of her life and will be in for a surprise of a lifetime…but really? I think her and I are in the same boat.

People keep asking if I’m excited. People also keep asking if I’m sad. As if I can only be one or the other. The truth is? I am so excited. But I am also very sad. I am a mixed bag of some serious emotion. Top that with a cold that has been kicking my butt this week and a busy schedule and well, I will be needing more than the normal amount of tissue these next few days.

On one hand, I am so, so excited. I’ve been married for three months. But I’ve only spent a handful of days with my husband. I haven’t seen him since mid-July. As a well-seasoned singleton I was not prepared for the level of missing I would experience. I mean, people told me? But I didn’t fully expect to miss someone this much. So yes. I am excited. I am excited to see him and be reunited and get settled in. Because ho-boy, has it been an upheaval of all the things lately. I am ready for some steady security.

But on the other hand…

I’m leaving behind everything. Everything is changing. Nothing will be the same. I’m leaving the only town I have ever known. You know those silly surveys that come out, asking you to put how many places you have lived? Yea. I can’t even put more than one because this is all I have ever known. These streets, these stores, these people -it’s what I’ve grown up on. It’s where I’ve accomplished and met so many milestones. It’s where I rode my bike and skinned my knee. It’s where I made friends, fought and said so many good-byes. It’s the place that I have driven from one side to the other, only to yell as loudly as I can at the “Road-end” sign -because there wasn’t enough road and I wanted to keep going.

I’m leaving behind a lifetime of memories built up in this town, in this house. On this street. I’m leaving behind my people. I feel like I am walking away from relationships and responsibilities. I’m saying good-bye to my people. To my parents. I feel like I am letting so many people down by moving away.

I’ve never done something this big before. While most people in their 30’s have already moved at least once, possibly twice -this is my first big move. Sure, we moved houses when I was 12. Sure, I’ve traveled. A lot. But I’ve always come home. This crazy little town has always been waiting, with salty sea air to welcome me back.

My heart literally wants to be in two places at once and since it can’t it is being torn…to leave one piece behind. I look forward to planting new roots and meeting new people, but this place? These people? Will always have a big part of my heart.

So if you happen to see me in the next few days and ask me if I am excited to move and I smile and burst into tears at the same time? Just know that the answer is yes. Yes, I am excited. Yes, I am sad. Yes, I am a mess. Yes, I want coffee. The answer is almost always, yes.