Tangled Thoughts

I mean, 2020 might go down in history as one of the most complex years, and I am not really arguing…it was…complex. And while there were a lot of destroyed and crushed dreams and plans (we won’t talk about the travel plans that have been demolished) …there were some big, BIG moments in 2020 that have changed who I am…and who I forever will be.

2020 started out pretty epic -am I right? Big plans. So many big plans…and then, it all kind of fell. Or at least, plans were. What we THOUGHT 2020 was going to be, wasn’t…but perhaps, just perhaps, it was bigger than we had ever dreamed.

I took a trip to Switzerland in February…not knowing it would be one of the last trips I would take that year…or at least, the last trip without extra red tape. I skied with my sister and brother-in-law, niece and nephew and we were none the wiser to what was going to hit us in just a short month. I visited my then boyfriend in South Dakota, came home and went straight to work.

Then less than a month later the world shut down. I got sent home from work. Airports were closed. Travel bans applied. And the toilet paper disappeared.

I spent the time off work ATTEMPTING to make the most of things –hiking trails with Yoshi and trying to keep a schedule to keep me sane. I was only off for a few weeks but it was torture. I hate not being able to keep busy and I missed the daily routine of working. I was out of two jobs, my third job (dog sitting) also plummeted as people just STOPPED traveling.

But you guys. I became a teacher this year. A preschool teacher. That wasn’t even an option until a few weeks before I got the job. It was a wild, chaotic turn of events that began with me throwing my name into a pile of “What ifs…”

Two weeks before I was set to become a teacher, to accept my hat and job –I took a trip to see my boyfriend. I had it all planned out -I would travel, be home in time for a week quarantine, receive my third negative test (required by my job), and go back to work. I mean, I had it planned out down TO THE DAY.

…and then I came home…

And five days later tested positive.

I lost my smell and was tired for a few days –but other than being extremely bored out of my gored and being sent into a tailspin of panic, I was fine. Two weeks of isolation. Two weeks out of work. I missed opening day. I missed the meet and greet. I missed the preparing my classroom.

It sounds silly now, but not being able to work does a number on my mind.

Two weeks later I was cleared to return to life…and threw myself head first into my FIRST EVER teaching job. It’s a job that I absolutely LOVE. With my entire self. It is a job I enjoy getting up early for. A job I enjoy the challenging aspects of. A job that I didn’t know I wanted but am glad to have found. I can’t even begin to say how grateful I am for this job…

And then December came. And my boyfriend came up to Alaska to see me:

He came as my boyfriend and left as my fiancé. Every time we depart from each other, the piece of my heart he takes with him gets bigger and bigger. We reminded each other this morning, that this departure means we are one day closer. Closer to being together again. Closer to being married. Closer to forever.  

Because yes, 2020 was also the year I also got engaged.

Sure, it’s been a very up and down year. It has had major peeks and major valleys…but it was more than I ever dreamed it would be…even as 2019 came to a close, if you had asked me what I envisioned for 2020 -this would not have been it. Both good and bad.

I did not see myself becoming a preschool teacher. I did not see myself being put in charge of a group of three- and four-year olds. I did not see myself falling in love with a job I didn’t know I wanted. I didn’t see myself ending it as someone’s fiancée. I just didn’t see it! And yet it happened!

I guess you could say 2020 was a year that only God could have orchestrated. At least in my life. The pieces that have fallen into place, the plans -which were not MY plans -were better than those I could have ever dreamed up.

I don’t have any deep thoughts for 2021, in fact, I was asleep before 10pm New Years eve…and was upset when I was woken up at midnight to fireworks, because I also turned 30 this year and that means I am officially old. But I digress.

If there is anything that 2020 has taught me, it is that I need to learn to trust that God is in control, and all my worrying and fretting is not doing anyone any good. I need to lean into knowing that what He has planned is far better than any hopes or dreams I could EVER dream up.