When I was growing up, people had all the questions for me. Questions that, I suppose -gave them a gauge as to where I was in life. How grown up I was, how much growing up I had left to do. Questions that grew with me: What grade are you in? When do you graduate? Where are you going to college? Are you married? When are you getting married? Do you have kids? And the all to famous “Is that your husband?”
These questions used to annoy me -I couldn’t understand why people would ask such silly things. Why not ask me what I was interested in? What my hobbies were? What I liked to do in my spare time? It isn’t that I could answer these questions any better -just that they seemed more universal.
I then started to gauge myself by these questions…I never had an official graduation -I was home schooled, I finished school -there was no grand hooray -it simply was over. Time to move on. What’s next. I didn’t have a college lined up -I didn’t see the need to go as I didn’t know what I wanted to do and spending money on school to do something I didn’t even want to do seemed silly. I’m not married. I don’t know when I am getting married or if I am getting married!
Over the years I started to hate hanging out with people, their questions that I couldn’t answer would turn even the best social events into horrible times that I couldn’t enjoy. I began to make excuses. Hold myself back. Play the old “If only” games. I started to think that when I “get older” I would have all the answers to all the questions and suddenly I might just ‘fit in’ with ‘them’.
But the older I get, the more these questions make sense. They simply are questions. People asking something to try and get to know me. The only thing holding me back was myself. And so I have started to try and change my mindset. My answers. My perspective.
The other day a customer / friend was at the shop talking about how God is in control -of everything. While I know this, and knew this and believe this -it still was nice to hear her talk and be reminded that yes -He is. That as long as I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, and seeking His will -then whatever happens will be ok. I might not understand it -but He does, and that is all that matters.
My days don’t always go as I have planned them -and this often, ok usually always -upsets me. I am so focused on MY plans that I fail to realize (or remember) that my plans are not His plans and when things go off course -they are actually directly ON COURSE. If I could stop and remember this.
Intentional.
It is the word I have had in my mind to try and spur me on this year. It may or may not stick -I never know. But it seems to be a fitting word.
I sometimes look at other people and think that their lives are so much easier because they have A, B and C -and I seemed to have skipped ½ the alphabet and only have X Y and Z. That because I am ‘missing’ these key points in my life -that somehow I am doing it all wrong and in order to BE someone, I must accomplish the same things as everyone else. I must climb the ranks, I must do the things. I must have the answers to the questions and if my answers are different than everyone else’s then I am somehow less.
That because I haven’t gone to college and still have no earthly idea what I want to be when I grow up -that I am somehow held back. When really -I am not. I am here for a reason. I am here for a purpose. What that reason is and what that purpose is sometimes confuses me beyond belief. I sometimes cannot fathom why I should be here, doing this. But I am here…and I am doing this…and God knows…and as long as I seek Him -it will be ok.
I will be ok.
I want to live more intentionally. To be more present. To achieve great things, yes, but to remember that I am here -for a reason…and that is ok. I might not know the reason, I might not see the reason -but that is ok. If I can remember to seek God in all areas of my life, and follow His plans -I know things will be so much better.
Now…if only I could remember that.
Tangled Thoughts 