He knows

Christina

1 comment

July 11, 2010

Its something Ive wondered about, for a while now…thought about, but never deeply.  Touched the surface, but never given it much more thought.  Im selfish like that.  I prefer to think that because I have a problem, then that is it.  It’s a problem, no matter how big or small it may be…it’s a problem.  And most likely, a big one.  But I have to wonder, think, and sometimes go beyond the surface – do I really have the right to complain about this problem?  Do I really have the right, the audacity to question whether or not God knows what He is doing when He gives me this problem?  Do I really have the nerve to QUESTION or ASK even?

I think (who am I kidding, I KNOW!) sometimes that I think that if I don’t know where this is going, if I cant see the bigger picture, if I think its unfair, than God must certainly not.  Maybe Hes forgotten, maybe I should remind Him.  Tell Him that, hey you know what…Im still here.  Still struggling, still wondering – Im STILL around, ya know?

But what if…

What if the “Problem” that I have, this so called issue that has been in my life for some time, is really NOT a problem?

Wait.  Hold on.  Stop.  That cant be right.

But no, Im serious.

What if?

This “Problem” this “Issue” that I cant see the bottom of, that is fuzzy and unclear, and the end result is less than desirable…is not so much of a problem?

What if, God knows what He is doing?  What if God is in control?  What if this problem is NOT out of His sight, but something He is fully aware of?

Now there is a concept that I havent thought much of lately.

But its true.  And I must admit, that I have been very Unfocused lately.  Oh, Ive been focused, on ALL the wrong things, Ive focused on ME, and MY problems, and MY feelings and MY perspective and ME ME ME MINE MINE MINE ALL ME!

Ugh.

So what if God is trying to teach me something?  Or what if He is trying to bring me closer to Him?  Am I going to really step up and say “Hey, you know, I don’t really LIKE this.”  Oh you better believe it, I have.  I have gotten up and said “I don’t like this, and if You arent going to do anything about it, then I will.”

I have put a limit on my God, and have put Him into a box with my demands, and left Him there – while I run around like a fool in underwear screaming because Im not getting my way.

Im selfish.  Im human.  I want what I want, when I want it and not a second later.  And when I don’t GET that, then I chock it up to either Gods forgotten, Hes too busy, or maybe He just doesn’t care about ME and MY problems – because that is entirely possible.  Maybe…my problems, arent problems after all.

Maybe, they are a direct result of me running off thinking I know better, and instead of trusting that God knows best for me, and my life (which isn’t mine anyways) I think that I know best, and I can do better…

And once again, Im running of…kicking and screaming the whole way.  Like that brat in the grocery store.

I have never doubted Gods existence.  I know that God is real, I know that God has saved me, and while I might not be able to fully grasp it – I know He loves me.

But I have, in a very very VERY sinful selfish way, doubted that God remembers me, and who I am.  That because of something small in my life that has caused me to be unfocused, I have assumed that God has become unfocused, lost direction, and has been swerving right along side of me, scrambling to pick up the muddy pieces and put them together.

No.  No.  No.  No.

This is not true.

God knows what He is doing, and He has a plan – even if it is a plan that I don’t know, and I cant see.  A plan that I might not LIKE for the time being.  But I know, that God is there.  And always has been.  Even if I havent.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

– II Corinthians 12:8-10

I cant write

Christina

no comments

July 10, 2010

I cant write, and its not because I don’t want to, or because I have nothing to say…its because Im stuck.  I feel trapped.  I just cant say what I want to say, and get it to sound the way I want to…and instead of getting the release Im looking for, I get frustrated, and confused, and tied up – by my own words.

Maybe it was the reality – that my words really do have ability to stop me.  That my words can and do and have threatened me before.  I don’t know.  Im not held back, and I refuse to be stopped because of one incident, but I have to wonder if somewhere in my subconscious Im holding back because of that.

I just don’t really know how to say what Im trying to say, and in a way, that frustrates me beyond anything.  Not being able to say what I want, and have the end results I would like to see.  Having my words taken and used against me, threatening me, and doing absolutely no good, is just beyond frustrating…and in a way, I think, it really makes me select my words – or atleast the ones I choose to write down, more carefully.

I cant be for sure.  Because I don’t know.

Im tired to say the same thing, over and over.  Trying to say one thing, thinking I said it right, and seeing it bounce off the walls, and mean something completely different when someone hears and or reads it…is equally frustrating.

I wonder sometimes if my words really even mean anything, to anyone.  And if they don’t, I think in a way I would be freed up.  But if they do, in a way, I would feel almost like I had purpose.  That what I say, the things I spend so much time perfecting (or not) my words, my thoughts, my feelings…the things I choose to put out there – if they actually meant something to someone, then maybe I would have more reason to write.  But Im not entirely sure about that either.

Im tired of talking, to be honest.  Tired of spewing hopeless, endless rants about the same things over and over and I cant imagine that everyone else wouldn’t be tired of it either.

Ive sunk back into the small corner of my internet life, and take to just doing pictures.  Pictures have the way of saying what I want, when I cant.  They somehow are able to capture a happy moment, even when life is upside down.  They have the ability to speak louder and be more profound than anything I could even try to say.  And so Ive stuck with that, Ive gotten to know my camera better, and I have reached the point in which I do with everything I have – to either grasp it and  advance, or drop it and move on.

Everything I have tried, I reach this point…and I drop.  I leave it behind.  I don’t want to advance any with.  Its too hard, and I don’t have the motivation to climb the hurdle in front of me, and I toss it to the side, but with my camera, I feel the need to advance.  I want to be good at photography, I want to take good pictures, I want to like what I do, and do what I like…but I doubt I can, and Im leery to step out without anything solid to stand on.

Life seems so uncertain, so unbalanced, so hopeless….so….

I need to focus, more.  Focus on the things I have, not what I don’t.  Focus on what I want, not what I don’t.  Focus on Who I have, and not who I don’t.  I need to commit myself to the One that matters, and stop trying to please people.  I need to.  But I cant.  Because this world is just so shaky…that stepping out and grasping something I claim to understand, but barely know…is hard.

It’s the same way with photography.

I relate so well to it.  To not being able to focus, to not understand, to wanting to advance, but not sure how.

And Im left wondering…

Do I keep on keeping on?  Do I keep putting words down, keep trusting, keep trying?  And if I don’t, then what?

I need trust.  I need to trust.  I need to trust in the One who knows everything.

I need to.

Because there is nothing left.  There is no one left.  There is no hope outside of Him, and while its hard and uncertain in my mind…I know that He knows, atleast.

Snap Happy and Friends

Christina

2 comments

July 9, 2010

Despite the rain, and a reoccurring mood around here, the Fourth of July turned out to be…a really fun day.  One that I feel almost a little guilty over, for having so much fun.  We caught the end of the parade, Amanda shook hands, and got her picture taken with our senator (which isn’t a really big deal, but made us giddy).

Since we were on the end of the parade, there wasn’t much candy left…not that we would have gotten any, the candy throwers seem to pass us up these days.  Something about “Little kids” I don’t know what that’s all about.

After the parade, a small group of people from our church went for a BBQ.  My sister and I used to baby-sit these kids (kids, Im really getting old now) and they somehow grew up, and the age gap sort of closed.  Nik, met and made friends with one of the other cameras, while we talked and exchanged those horror stories that only a camera owner (camera owned?) can understand.  Nik and her camera were both gifts for Christmas, two years ago.  They both lost the little thing around the view finder, this Spring, while vacationing.  They both have a habit of loosing their lens covers, and both…get attitudes, which they proudly showed off while we attempted to take pictures.

The ironic thing is, Nik is a Nikon, and hers is a Cannon (who is still unnamed, Can just didn’t seem to fit.)

We talked about aperture – a word that until recently, neither of us knew what meant.  Discussed the F/number and impressed people with what we knew…until we told continued talking, and they quickly realized that we had NO IDEA what we were talking about.

It was fun tho, real fun.

We took pictures, laughed, battled the attitudes of the cameras, and laughed some more.

And then she taught me this really cool trick – which Im sure most people already know about, but I thought was limited to Photoshop skills.  Which I have neither of.  Skills, or Photoshop.


Pretty cool, huh?

She said she liked to use it on food – makes it look “Hungry.”

The one trick that I am still trying to figure out, is how to “Focus” on the subject while making the other stuff, blurred/buggy.

Kind of looks like the tree is running…

Want to know how to do it?  I know I did!

What I did, was set it to manual – that seems to be the only way *I* could get it to focus on what I wanted.  Once you focus on what you want, get ready.

As soon as you push the shutter button – turn your lens real fast.  As if your zooming in/out.  Only turn it one way though, I found it worked best if I zoomed all the way in, focused, and then turned it out real fast.  But that was just me.

Then we turned the camera on each other, and tried it out…

This is what happens when you zoom IN and OUT instead of going just one direction – you get extra body parts!

Pretty cool, I thought.

Also what was equally cool, was the fact that I could talk to someone, about something I love, who has some of the same issues I do.

You Capture: America

Christina

12 comments

July 6, 2010

God Bless America

July 4, 2010

If tomorrow all the things were gone
I’d worked for all my life
and I had to start again
With just my children and my wife
I’d thank my lucky stars to be living here today
Cause the flag still stands for freedom
And they can’t take that away.

And I’m proud to be an American
Where at least I know I’m free.
And I won’t forget the men who died
Who gave that right to me.
And I gladly stand up next to you
And defend her still today.
Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land.
God bless the U. S. A.

From the lakes of Minnisota
To the hills of Tennesse
Across the plains of Texas
From sea to shinning sea
From Detroit down to Houston
From New York to L. A.
There’s a pride in every American heart
And it’s time we stand and say

And I’m proud to be an American
Where at least I know I’m free.
And I won’t forget the men who died
Who gave that right to me.
And I gladly stand up next to you
And defend her still today.
Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land.
God bless the U. S. A.

And I’m proud to be an American
Where at least I know I’m free.
And I won’t forget the men who died
Who gave that right to me.
And I gladly stand up next to you
And defend her still today.
Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land.
God bless the U. S. A.

Song: God Bless the USA – Lee Greenwood

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“Christina is a part time blogger and full time photography enthusiast living in Southeast Alaska. She enjoys travel photography and has taken pictures in countries such as Mexico, England, France, and China. She likes sunny days, new lenses and drinking good coffee…”