I cant write, and its not because I don’t want to, or because I have nothing to say…its because Im stuck. I feel trapped. I just cant say what I want to say, and get it to sound the way I want to…and instead of getting the release Im looking for, I get frustrated, and confused, and tied up – by my own words.
Maybe it was the reality – that my words really do have ability to stop me. That my words can and do and have threatened me before. I don’t know. Im not held back, and I refuse to be stopped because of one incident, but I have to wonder if somewhere in my subconscious Im holding back because of that.
I just don’t really know how to say what Im trying to say, and in a way, that frustrates me beyond anything. Not being able to say what I want, and have the end results I would like to see. Having my words taken and used against me, threatening me, and doing absolutely no good, is just beyond frustrating…and in a way, I think, it really makes me select my words – or atleast the ones I choose to write down, more carefully.
I cant be for sure. Because I don’t know.
Im tired to say the same thing, over and over. Trying to say one thing, thinking I said it right, and seeing it bounce off the walls, and mean something completely different when someone hears and or reads it…is equally frustrating.
I wonder sometimes if my words really even mean anything, to anyone. And if they don’t, I think in a way I would be freed up. But if they do, in a way, I would feel almost like I had purpose. That what I say, the things I spend so much time perfecting (or not) my words, my thoughts, my feelings…the things I choose to put out there – if they actually meant something to someone, then maybe I would have more reason to write. But Im not entirely sure about that either.
Im tired of talking, to be honest. Tired of spewing hopeless, endless rants about the same things over and over and I cant imagine that everyone else wouldn’t be tired of it either.
Ive sunk back into the small corner of my internet life, and take to just doing pictures. Pictures have the way of saying what I want, when I cant. They somehow are able to capture a happy moment, even when life is upside down. They have the ability to speak louder and be more profound than anything I could even try to say. And so Ive stuck with that, Ive gotten to know my camera better, and I have reached the point in which I do with everything I have – to either grasp it and advance, or drop it and move on.
Everything I have tried, I reach this point…and I drop. I leave it behind. I don’t want to advance any with. Its too hard, and I don’t have the motivation to climb the hurdle in front of me, and I toss it to the side, but with my camera, I feel the need to advance. I want to be good at photography, I want to take good pictures, I want to like what I do, and do what I like…but I doubt I can, and Im leery to step out without anything solid to stand on.
Life seems so uncertain, so unbalanced, so hopeless….so….
I need to focus, more. Focus on the things I have, not what I don’t. Focus on what I want, not what I don’t. Focus on Who I have, and not who I don’t. I need to commit myself to the One that matters, and stop trying to please people. I need to. But I cant. Because this world is just so shaky…that stepping out and grasping something I claim to understand, but barely know…is hard.
It’s the same way with photography.
I relate so well to it. To not being able to focus, to not understand, to wanting to advance, but not sure how.
And Im left wondering…
Do I keep on keeping on? Do I keep putting words down, keep trusting, keep trying? And if I don’t, then what?
I need trust. I need to trust. I need to trust in the One who knows everything.
I need to.
Because there is nothing left. There is no one left. There is no hope outside of Him, and while its hard and uncertain in my mind…I know that He knows, atleast.