Today. Not Tomorrow.

Im tired. I was up till 2am talking to someone who shall go unnamed. Actually, she wont, because I don’t want to give the wrong idea out. I was up till 2 am talking to Amanda, who happens to be my best sister. Maybe because shes my only sister? Either way. I was up late. Or early? Thus, Im tired. I don’t seem to be able to inhale coffee fast enough, and quite frankly, it just isn’t doing much good. So these next thoughts are very – random, and while they make sense to me, I am guessing they probably wont make sense after I get some more sleep.

But the best thoughts come when your tired, right?

I had a dream last night, that I bumped into an old friend I havent seen since I was probably 11. We hit it off just like old times, and then just like that – she was gone. This morning I decided to pop into her face book – only to find that she was no longer on there. I searched up and down, and couldn’t find even a trace of her or her family. And then I accidentally stumbled upon another friend – who had posted a picture of them when they were little and I thought “HA! That’s you!” then I quickly realize that picture was atleast 15 years old. And suddenly felt very, very, VERY! Old.

Then I realized my sister is married. And numerous other people who were/are just “Kids” are engaged, and did some math to discover that they arent kids. Infact. They are adults. Which means Im not a kid. Im a…well….adult? And that just didn’t sound right.

So then I got to thinking – and started to wonder, if all this “Denial” about getting old, all this “Complaining” about “Being old” is starting to catch up with me. I mean, what if, instead of wishing to be younger, or thinking I am an age Im not – I just embrace the age I am? I mean, yea…I will really feel old then, but atleast I wont be looking back ten years from now going “I wish I really enjoyed being that age instead of wishing to be younger.” What happened to that?

When I was little – I never wanted to be older. I always had these vision of how life would be when I “Grew up” and I would be loaded with self confidence, I would be stunningly beautiful, no one would ever tell me what to do, and I could be who I wanted! All the time!!! But I wonder why I thought that then, because looking back now – I think I was prettier when I was younger (atleast maybe cute?). I think I was more confident in who I was when I was younger, and being told what to do just came with the territory of being little. Now? The only thing I do is get pissed off when people try to tell me what to do.

Meh.

So what about it?

What if I just embrace it. All of it. All this. What if I stop being so worried about things, stupid stilly things. Like making a good first impression, or making small talk – I suck at that. But if I am just me…then things go so much better.

Life is a fleeting moment. Im tired of wandering down this fence, poking myself on the spikes because I prefer to stay on the fence then hop off and take a stand.

Enjoy. It.

Nothing lasts forever. And while that can sometimes be a very depressing thought (like when things are going good) its also a nice reminder that when things arent so hot? They wont stay that way forever!

I really need to enjoy my family. I need to enjoy the people around me, instead of viewing them as inconveniences. I need to enjoy their quirks, enjoy their personalities. Because one day it might not be like this anymore. One day I might do a frantic search on someone, only to discover that there is no trace of them. And that, quite frankly, will suck.

So why do I live every day like “Tomorrow will be better?” instead of embracing today, and all the imperfections that made today…perfect?

We can never count on tomorrow being there. We arent promised tomorrow. We are only promised now. This moment. And I thank God that I was given this moment. And this one. And this one too. I pray its not too late to really appreciate those who are in my life.