Tangled Thoughts

When I was younger, I used to think the grocery clerk was my friend.  I was the kid who would walk up to a complete stranger and befriend them.  I remember have a wide variety of friends that ranged from my age to 30 or older, and never once thought it was weird.  I was the girl who stood at the edge of my yard – yelling at the older neighbor girl “Would you like to be my friend?” and when she didn’t reply, I thought she didn’t hear me.  This “Older girl” who was most likely under 20, was destine to be my friend…she just didn’t know it.  And when she did finally reply “Yea, sure, ok whatever” Im sure – just to shut me up, I smiled and went on my way, happy to have a new friend.  I remember thinking years later when ever I saw her “Theres my friend” and in my heart, I believed it.  She was just a good of friend as my best friend.

Everyone was my friend!

I met my match with a few girls my age, and we clicked, instantly.

But I remember the first time I had a conflict between these friends.  When one friend didn’t like the other – and I couldn’t understand it.  Why not?  We were ALL friends!!!  Werent we??

I remember cooking up a wild wicked dream on evening, and being SO EXCITED to tell all my friends about this plan – that of course – involved them.  Because after all, they WERE my FRIENDS and would naturally want to accompany me on these wild dreams.

I was the kid who never cared about appearances…who would yank on the old ripped jeans, forget to brush my hair, and scribble answers to make it look like I did my school work…just so I could get outside and play…with my friends!

As Ive gotten older, Ive lost a good portion of these ideas, and dreams.  Ive put aside befriending everyone, and sort of backed off being all outgoing with people…I don’t know why.  I guess Im afraid of offending, I would rather someone like me for who Im not, then not care for who I am.  And besides…who I am, is not all that interesting…right?

I have a wide variety of acquaintances…ranging from five years old to fifty.  My best friends live in the internet – people I have never met before, people who probably have NO IDEA that I consider them a friend…because its easier that way.  Its easier not to approach someone and say “Want to be my friend” and just pretend Im their friend…pretend they like me back…pretend Im not just another head, another number, another person.

I have the opportunity, to do something this March.  Something Im not going to mention just yet – because I am trying to keep myself from getting excited about this, just incase it doesn’t happen, because it is VERY likely it wont.  It involves people, and it involves going at it solo…just me and this group of people – who are a tight nit group of girls – who know each other.  I know most of them…they are girls who I, once again “Pretend” are my friends…but don’t dare call them that to their face.  Its something I would LOVE to do, and am praying hard about…but am not sure if it will happen or not.

So Im asking you…people out there…who I will confess, I do consider to be my friends…to pray for me…

I don’t expect this to make any sense, because I left a big portion, that would tie both thoughts together…out.  But I would really appreciate some prayers…I have big decisions coming up, and these next few days will make and break it.