I feel sort of lost today. And yesterday too. And tomorrow. And all the way up until next Tuesday when I will most likely be back in full force. You see, Amanda and David left yesterday. Left for Arizona to get her…biometrics done for her visa – so she can go and live with David in England. I dont think I mentioned that she is planning to go over there and live in a month.
I feel sort of…pathetic saying this…but my entire life, I have never spent any extended amount of time away from her (Read: days). That doesn’t mean we spend every waking, sleeping hour together, doing only things to do with ourselves…What I mean is that we have never spent a day apart. Her desk is just across the office. With her computer. A click of a button and I can talk to her. We send messages back and forth instead of opening our mouths and simply talking. Sometimes we are both immersed in our own worlds, tackling problems that occupy our full.
But still – she is there. Right across the office. A click of a button away.
One look at her, and I can tell what shes doing. If shes sad…or upset.
We fight, of course. Were sisters…but that doesn’t stop us from shoving each other across the floor in a tizzy. Most times we enjoy each others company. Shes the only person aloud to spend my “Alone time” with me, and the only person I would ever want to be with for any length of time. Anyone else I need a break from…but her…shes there…and not in an overbearing stalker sort of way.
Shes there when I need her – and I hope she knows Im there when she needs me.
It’s the first time I have ever been separated from her, and I feel lost.
And pathetic for saying so.
I want to hop on a plane and surprise her. The only thing that’s stopping me is finances and of course, the fact that she is probably enjoying her time with just David. But still…I would if I could.
Life doesn’t seem complete without her. It seems empty…and quiet (so very, very quiet) and boring too. Time has slowed down…and I think I know why. When you are enjoying yourself, you wish for time to slow down – it seems to speeds up – you arent counting the hours down.
But when you are wishing to be a week ahead…counting every minute that passes – time goes very very slowly.
And right now, I wish to be at next week.
At the airport.
Picking her up, and telling her shes never going to leave without me again.
But of course…I wont do that. Because I know she has plans, and adventures, and ideas, and places, and so many things that she wants to do…and I want her to do them.
Its something that will take some time to get used to…something Im not sure I want to get used to. Something that will leave me in the bathroom more than I care to admit, wiping the tears from my eyes.
My sisters on a trip…in Arizona. And Im here. Without her.
I feel like ½ a pathetic person…but probably only because I am right now.
I can do this.