Tangled Thoughts

This past week has been a difficult one, and I almost feel bad for saying that, because it doesn’t effect me like it has some other people.  This recent death has shaken the lives of a lot of people, but I can still get up and function and fight with my entire family, because you know what?  They are all still here.  Friday afternoon after we got back from spending the better part of the day with the family who had just lost their dad, husband, brother, son, uncle – I didn’t get anything done, because what did it matter?  What did it matter if bills were due when someone had just died, unexpectedly?

A few days later, we were off on the ferry taking a small group of girls to a summer camp – while trying to process the question that NOBODY BUT GOD KNOWS: Why.

I have never questioned God being in control, I know He is, and this just seals the deal completely.  He knows is in control, and in charge.

But what I lack in not questioning Gods control, I make up for in questioning my own faith.  Because it really has me scared now, that God is in control, and it makes me wonder…do I really have faith?

There are so many things this past week that I really just wanted to remember, to write down, to grasp, to understand…but I spent the majority of the week wondering the point of life.  Because really, what DOES it matter, if someone can just suddenly die, what does it matter?

What does it matter if I write, remember, understand, grasp.  What does it matter if I am going to be dead tomorrow?  What WILL matter?  And I suddenly get this cold feeling racing down my body – nothing I have done – will matter.  Nothing.  Not ONE THING.  And nothing I will do, will matter.  Nothing.  Because why will it?  If I am dead tomorrow, what good is fighting to be right about the best song, really going to matter?  If I am dead tomorrow, why will it matter if I loved and cared for my family?  If my family dies today, what will it matter…that I loved them.

It’s a really tough thought to grasp, that nothing I do, will do, or ever CAN do, will ever matter.  If the most important people in my life, die, then nothing I will or will do, ever, will matter.

If God DOES know, then why did He take this loving, caring, cared for, God fearing father, brother, husband, so suddenly now?  And why wasn’t I aware of these plans, because seriously, I am all that.  Right?

This week at camp the theme was video games, and the point he was trying to drive home was that people put so many things first, and God always comes last, and so many kids just don’t really care.  And I was guilty…because no matter how hard I want to put God first, I am always putting Him second.  Or third.  Or last.  I want to be in control, in charge, in the middle circle making things go – instead of putting HIM first, and letting everything else fall into place.  He said that the problem is, all of these things people PUT first, no matter what it is, friends, family, fun, games, sports – they always fail.  Always.  That it is a constant battle, that we have to choose to fight FOR.

In my case, I put things first.  I do.  Im guilty.  I know I am.  This past week I have been struggling, wondering what matters.  Nothing I live for does.  It is all meaningless.  If the things I live for were to be gone tomorrow, I would be completely devastated, crushed, and lifeless.

And then I look at this family.

This family who has just been through one of the hardest things that I can ever fathom, who are talking about giving God the glory, about praising God, about GRIEVING with HOPE because they KNOW.  They trust.  They UNDERSTAND…that GOD is in control.  That GOD KNOWS.  That through this, they believe that God WILL be glorified, and they WILL BE GLORIFYING HIM.

And my little thought bubble that has been spinning so uncontrollably fast with thoughts that are ½ baked and strung out…spun all that faster.

We need to have our priorities right.  We need to be ready.  We need to focus on what matters.  We need this.  We need hope.  We need God.  Because when it all comes down to it, and lets face it, this past week, it HAS COME DOWN TO IT, NOTHING.  Not anything, not music, not friends, not family, not sports, not anything…matters.  Nothing.  It is an empty, hopeless, hole that cannot be filled.

Except with God.

Who IS here.  And IS REAL.  Who is trying to call people to HIM.

And while we may not understand, while we may not fully grasp this seemingly senseless death…God knows.  He really does, and while I cant even connect this thought…I know that nothing, not one thing in this world matters, that it WILL fail.  That people WILL leave, either by death, or changing waves in life.  That the music will fade, and the hard times will come in relationships.  Sports will loose their shiny spot.  The power will go out, and with it the computers, video games, and everything else will too.

But when it all comes down to it, when things have gone, when everything has passed, when there isn’t anything left in this materialistic world to hang onto…God is there.  Just like He always has been.

He has and always will be there.

He is there now.  He was there last week.  He was there last month, last year and He will be here and there, and everywhere else tomorrow, and the day after and as long as He wills this world into existence…and while it has been a very unnerving thought, that God is in control, and at any time He can allow ANYTHING to happen to you – He is there.  Through it all.  Good and bad.  Right and wrong.  He knows, and He is working it all out for His glory, and His will.

Just because we, or I, don’t understand something.  Just because something seems so senseless…does not mean God doesn’t have a plan.  God knows.  He cares.  He loves us.  And He?  Is always there.  He never fails, never leaves, never lets us go.

Sometimes, its us who choose to let Him go.  Why?  I don’t know why.  Because we are human, and we don’t always FIGHT to make HIM our FIRST.  Our ONLY.  Our ONE.  Our TRUE.  Our GOD.