I once wrote a list titled “Benefits of being single.” I added to it over the years and by the time I got done, I had an impressive list. I only wrote this list because for so long I felt as if I were doing something wrong. As if I had missed the golden bench mark. As if being single was wrong. Because for so many years, all I I heard was how wrong it is to be single. As if I needed a motivational speech on getting married. As if there is something wrong with me.
When there is a break in the weather, you take advantage of it. Even if there isn’t a break in the weather -you don’t wait for it to stop, you just go for it. But this particular weekend there was in fact, a break in the weather -and some friends and I hit the trails for another hike.
Destination: Perseverance Lake.
I’ve been up there before, and it isn’t an especially treacherous trail, it waffles on a bit, but I guess that helps keep it more doable and enjoyable. Regardless, it’s about a 6mile trail that ends out at, as the name suggests -Perseverance Lake.
The tears. They always come. Whenever I see him in the hospital, laying on the highly uncomfortable beds that don’t allow for any decent rest. Sometimes they come as soon as I leave his room, unwilling to wait until I make it to the elevator before I have to stop the sobs from taking over. Other times, like today, they wait. They hold off on the elevator ride down, they don’t come on the car ride home, they let me finish lunch and a few cups of coffee -and then in the not so silent afternoon sun, they come.
My mind races with questions and thoughts from the past few days, the past few years, the past few lifetimes, it would seem. All piling up, willing to be heard, unwilling, however, to wait their turn. The overwhelmingness of thoughts that pile in faster than I can unpack them brings the tears today.
The thing is, I just have no answers. So the thoughts. They just keep spinning. And the tears. They just keep falling.
After preschool is out, the older kids arrive on the bus from a different school. Once everyone has had their snack we head out to the gym to play. Normally there is someone else out there who takes over once our numbers drop below ten, but circumstances had me out there this day.
One of the little boys is always lamenting that no one wants to play with him and while I see the alliances being built with other kids, I see him being left out a lot. If I can help it, I try to get him involved –giving him an in, a door, an answer, a nudge –and if all else fails I listen to him chat about his day or the latest greatest video game. Or I encourage him to show me his latest tricks.
Last weekend I got a group message from a friend asking if I wanted to join a group of them for snowshoeing.
I’ll be honest and say my first thought was “Um, no.” But to be fair this is what I envisioned when I pictured snowshoeing:
I also don’t own snowshoes, nor had I ever been snowshoeing.
Mom and dad offered some bits of advice such as “We went snowshoeing before. Once.” and “Why would you want to go snowshoeing for fun?” and of course “You have to have snow to snowshoe…”
Eventually I caved and agreed to go. I rented myself a pair of snowshoes and joined a group of friends (in the rain) for a hike. With no visible snow.
Tangled Thoughts 