This past week I’ve been an emotional wreck. Sure, I’ve gotten up every morning (earlier than I’d like), taken a shower, put on makeup and smiled. I made it to about Thursday before I completely melted down and almost lost it on my group of rambunctious 3 and 4-year old’s who were all apparently, dealing with their own “big emotion” stuff. We survived…but that night I cried harder than I have in a long time.
The worst part? I had no idea why. I couldn’t pinpoint what was going on, I couldn’t find the ‘one thought’ that was making this all a gigantic mess. I couldn’t begin to untangle things because I didn’t know what was causing it…and as a result, everything…and I mean everything, was becoming a major deal. Kids not following directions? I wanted to scream. Dinner not working out? I wanted to panic. Change of plans? My mind literally, could not handle it.
I’m mostly a ‘let it roll off my back’ kind of girl, so this was new for me…not the emotional part, the letting of everything build.
I spent the better part of the weekend trying to figure out what was causing this. Cycling through thoughts trying to find the one that would stick…and coming up empty handed. Until my brain touched on the one subject I subconsciously didn’t want it to -which is when I knew: My relationship.
You guys, this long-distance relationship business during a pandemic is not for the faint of heart…and I would have never considered myself to be, faint of heart, unless spiders are involved…but this is no joke. You take an already touchy subject (relationships, love, etc) and add in long-distance, top it off with a pandemic and you’ve got yourself a meltdown on Thursday afternoon.
Once everyone had left me alone for the day, I shed a few tears, and opened a notepad to do what I do to help process things: I wrote. I wrote all the hard things. All the things that make me feel like the world’s worst girlfriend, all my fears and doubts and frustrations…I wrote them all out. Then I read back through them, still not really feeling like I had touched the REAL issue…and then I wrote it. In black and white in an aha moment, in a “that’s it!” sort of realization. Everything I had been feeling, summed up in a few words:
I just feel like we don’t have time to talk about real things lately…and everything has built into a big mess in my mind.
And there it was. Staring back at me. My problems summed up.
I once read a book that a women’s thoughts are all connected…everything goes together at some point, and if it doesn’t -it will get connected. Because that is just how we are wired. To connect the things that shouldn’t be connected and freak out about things that don’t need to be freaked out about. If you follow my long-winded thought back to the beginning, it will change notions about fifty times. Its kind of the reason my blog is named “Tangled thoughts” -because my thoughts are TANGLED, people. And untangling them doesn’t come easy.
The truth is, I just don’t feel like we have had TIME to connect lately, and while I am ok with that…for a certain amount of time, I reach that point where all my connected thoughts start spiraling out of control…and suddenly I don’t understand why the waffles are making me cry or the mention of a holiday causes me to panic hardcore.
But there it is. Connection…and if you were to trace that thought back, through the long mess of tangled thoughts it would probably be intertwined with waffles, because that’s just how my brain works.
Life has been crazy busy lately, with both of us working more hours than usual. The time zones make it hard to connect without one of us being ½ asleep. Real conversations just haven’t happened lately…and while that is ok -there is a time and a place for those, and this just hasn’t been the time or the place, my mind has been connecting these thoughts for who knows how long. Slowly spinning the complicated web tighter and tighter until I explode over something completely unrelated, but somehow connected.
One day we will talk about all the things. We will slowly unravel the hard topics and come to an understanding that appeases us both…but until then, I will wind up my messy reel of thoughts and attempt to keep them in check…until next time.
Tangled Thoughts 