Tangled Thoughts

This week I have been thinking about the word I chose.  Gumption.  And more often than not, I turned the word into a cliché saying everything and everyone was infact, or had atleast some Gumption.  But to be honest, I don’t really know what the word MEANS.  I can use it in a sentence, and probably use it appropriately when talking, but ask me for a definition and I will point you to the little quote about green apples and common sense.

So this week I went looking for a more defined meaning for the word, Gumption.

I asked my sister (who can explain Greek in English) what the word meant, she threw a few things out and then said “you” and I laughed, and told her ironically, I picked the word gumption for 2011 and had not a clue how to photograph it.  Or live it.  Or BE it, if that was even possible.  Which is when she said I should take pictures of myself.  To which I quickly told her that I am suppose to be GETTING this word in 2011.  And she just sort of roller her internal eyes and moved about doing what she was already doing.

So to the internets I went.

“I’d say that it’s a combination of boldness and enthusiasm.  It means taking the initiative, not because you’re immune to fear or dripping with confidence, but simply because you don’t buy into all the socially programmed reasons to hold yourself back.”  – Scott on Gumption

I found that to be an interesting article.

I will say this week I have failed, big time, in the aspect of “Gumption.”  And if it were a “Test” I would have failed.  I met everything with boldness.  Everything I do, as anyone can attest to, is done all or nothing.  If I get mad, Im mad.  If I don’t, I don’t.  If I get sick, I get sick.  Its really, all or nothing.

So this week – I was all excited about going to take practice pictures at the church for Amandas wedding.  I loaded Nik and all his many lenses up along with my little notebook of totally useless information, and off we went…and to my horror, things weren’t working.  I could not, for the life of me figure it out.  And we came home, and I threatened to divorce Nik.

Amanda says no pressure, and I know she means it.  She says she would rather have a few random shots from Nik and I than posed professional shots – and I know she means it because she would have said other if she meant other.  But the thing is, I want it to be good.  I want them to turn out.  I want to do what she wants and THEN some, so she isn’t disappointed…and Nik is standing in my way of doing just that.  Except that, you know, Nik is the one that needs to be there working too.

What does this have to do with anything?

Or, you know, gumption?

After seeing the results of the practice pictures, and threatening to divorce Nik, I figured I would just show up, and not take pictures.  After all, there are two other people that will be there, getting most likely, better pictures than I could ever hope for.  Because for some reason I have it stuck in my head that I need to shoot in full blown manual the day of her wedding.  Don’t ask, I don’t know.

With a pile of crumpled pride, and a bruised ego, I slowly realized a thing or two.

I am not as good as I sometimes think I want to or need to be.
Im not expected to be.
And its time to go full steam at this, once again.

I need to pick up, and put the word to use.

“People will forgive you for gumption.  They may tell you that you can’t do something, but they rarely provide a good reason.  You may be too bold, precocious or idealistic.  But, I’d rather be remembered as the person who had the gumption to say hi, than forgotten forever as the person who did nothing.” – Scott on Gumption

And I would rather be remembered, and remember, trying my hardest, giving it my best, and accomplishing lower than I hoped, than to sit out and not even try.

The word is proving to be more difficult than I intended.  But its needed.  Much needed.

I will take this horrible no good, bad wrong, too dark looking picture and I will do better.  And if not, then I will get some photo-shopping programs and MAKE them better.

Oh yes, I will.