The problem with blogging I would assume is that people are either A) Too open or B) Too reserved.  Much like in life, I would assume.  Except that with this, my blog, I think I tend to be more open than I am in real life.  Where I prefer to think things through (and write them, and publish – ha) my un-thought thoughts before saying anything about them.  Most of what makes its way here are the unedited thoughts that Im trying to sort through.  Lately though, I have been trying to fix that.  There are some things that I just havent mentioned because while they effect me personally, they arent mine TO share.

But today everything is building and I don’t know what else to do because my handwritten journal where I usually put these things, isn’t here.

Im scared.  Ok?  That isn’t something I like to admit to.  That isn’t something that comes easy for me to say.  Especially here, for all to see.  Here, where I can easily put up the strong persona that I have it all together.  But I don’t.  And I don’t claim to.  And I don’t want to claim to.  But it is what it is.

Im frustrated.  Because Im human, and I don’t get a lot of things.  Most of this frustration stems from, I assume, being scared.  Which just makes me more frustrated.

And confused.  Because Im frustrated, and scared…and nothing makes sense.

Whatever appearance I ever gave to anyone about knowing anything, is wrong.  People seem to assume that I have answers to things I don’t.  And that leads to confusion on their part.  Because I like to sometimes pretend I have things together, when really…I don’t.

I think sometimes that maybe Im trying to do too much, that maybe because Ive pretended to know things, and have things together, that maybe Ive signed up for something that I shouldn’t have.  Or been assuming I can do something I cant.  Or am someone Im not.

I suppose its time for me to be stripped.  To realize that my worth (if any) doesn’t come from myself.  Or my so called “Skills.”  To realize, again, for the thousandth time – that I am really nothing…without Christ.

The problem is to me it seems a cop out.  A lame excuse.  A way to satisfy myself in being and doing nothing.  In not being able to DO anything.  It’s the “Easy way out.”  But I need to realize – that earthly things…things here.  Things…stuff…objects…they don’t last.  They don’t HOLD value and to try and get ANY value from them – is pointless.  Seeking value from an earthly object will give me just that – an empty, false hope that I can get something from nothing.

I don’t know the exact quote – how it goes or who first said it – but its one of my favorites and it goes something to the effect of:

Trust in money, you get what money can offer.  Trust in man you get what man can offer.  Trust in yourself you get what you can offer.  Trust in God, you get what God can offer.

And isn’t that the truth?

I have been feeling hopeless, helpless, and useless.  Because I have been relying upon myself.  Upon man.  I have even taken my reliance to a new level.  Ive relied on objects, and gotten what objects can offer – which is nothing more than I can offer them, which is basically nothing except hundreds of circles.

Once again, I need to trust in God.  Once again I need to readjust my focus.  Once again I need to give it all back.  Once again I need to sit quietly at His feet instead of doing circus poodle acts trying to get my way.  Once again…

I need to give up all my frustrations, fears, failures, hurts, wants, needs, and selfish desires and heed His will in my life.  Which in all reality, is His to begin with.

One thought on “Once again

  1. Colleen says:

    Be okay… okay?
    Thinking of you while you work through the confusion.

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